Other People's Pressure

Okay, I've got to let out some steam. Church callings. Church callings when you are sick. When we moved in to our new ward I told the Bishop as clearly as I could how serious my illness is. I explained to him as best I could how I was told by the Mayo Clinic that my best chance at a recovery is to pull out of every possible commitment, activity, stresser, etc. (Which at the time, I remember thinking was a funny thing for the Dr to tell me because I had already been down for so long I had nothing else left to pull out from).

Well after explaining this to my new Bishop, his response was I want you to be the Primary Pianist. "Sure," I replied. "If I can get well enough, I would love to be able to play for the Primary." "No, I want you to do the calling now." "How am I supposed to play when I can't even be well enough to go to church?"  "You will receive blessings from having a calling." At which point I wanted to ask him if he had received a revelation telling him if I accepted this calling I would be healed (but I held my tongue) because that would be welcome news to me.  I would gladly accept to be the Relief Society Pres. and serve 10 hours a day if it meant my body would start to work again! I said, "I don't see how I can fulfill this calling." Bishop "Just do the things during the week you need to in order to be well enough to play on Sunday." Wow, seriously???  Golly, gee, why didn't I think of that already?? Oh, what a great idea? Let's just decided for my body to start working.  What does he expect for me to do "during the week" to get better that I haven't already tried for months at a time? Gee, maybe if I just do that I will get better by Sunday??

Okay, so he finally agreed that when I was too sick to be there his wife could substitute for me. So basically its been her calling. I think I've been well enough to attend church 2 of the last six weeks, but have only made it past Sacrament once. I did go and play and I was so worn out afterward, I just sat leaning up against the back wall till Primary was over, completely shot, feeling miserable. It's like they cannot understand and just act like I'm less active or don't want to serve. Is it because I am young? If I were 90 and looked like how I feel would they put this pressure on me or would they instead do the kind thing and send someone on Sunday's so I could partake of the Sacrament?

Now, I sustain my church leaders and I support them. I am not complaining about him in his role as a Bishop. I just sometimes feel like I do not know I am supposed to do. I just got a call from my friend in the ward who I hire to come everyday and take care of me and my children. She just spoke with the new primary president who is feeling put out that I am not "fullfilling my calling" and if I would just realize that I would be blessed for playing the piano, I really need to be there every Sunday. Wow, what a way to make me feel like crap. As if it is not hard enough right now to find a purpose, a way to feel like I can contribute when I am not well enough to even change my son's diaper. Sometimes I cry out to the Lord and say "Why have you blessed me with so many talents if I cannot use them?" "What am I supposed to be doing now?" And I have felt the sweet and tender mercies of the Lord in the warm feeling that I am his Daughter and that as I love and help those around me, I am serving him. As I teach my children the gospel, as I share my testimony, it is enough. What I don't need is other people who either don't understand or don't care to understand my situation to make me feel guilty.