"Missing Link"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37JwiLiL4dY

I'm having trouble trying to put on Lincoln's movie - which is the family favorite - so hopefully if anyone wants to watch (which you definitely won't regret!!) try the link above!

We made this in the summer we moved to Montana, so glad we took the opportunity to film this!Little did I know that one month later I wouldn't have been well enough to do this anymore. Carpe Diem people!!

I Testify

After the fast for me last January, I decided to try everything and anything I could find to improve my health and I did it all at the same time. I didn't care to wait and see which one worked, as long as something worked! I started up weekly acupuncture and began taking strange Chinese herbs. I started receiving "Energy Medicine" treatments. I went to a Naturpath/Chiropractor in Idaho and started on his several supplements. Under his direction, I followed an anti-inflammatory diet where I had to avoid all gluten, dairy (even eggs), sugars, red meat, pork, fruit juice, solid fats, corn, potatoes, soy, tomatoes, peppers, certain spices, and all processed foods. It didn't leave much to eat!! I've never been so hungry in my life!

During this time, I knew I had lept down the rabbit-hole, but I didn't care. I have been so desperate to get better. I remember watching TV with Dan one night when an AARP commercial came on. All these old senior citizens were in front of me, playing tennis, swimming, riding bikes. I suddenly yelled out - "Stop rubbing it in!" and changed the channel. I wasn't mad at them, but I wanted to be them - even if they were gray haired and old.

Now, I have always believed in the power of prayer and faith. But this trial has tested me and pushed me harder than anything I have experienced before. Even when I had my sweet baby Luke, I could pray for peace and help and knew that I would feel strength and comfort from the Lord. It has been hard for me to plead to the Lord to be healed and not to feel a response back. I know the Lord hears and answers our prayers, but there has been times during the last year and a half, when I have prayed as hard as I know how to for relief and relief from this sickness has not come.

It has tested Dan's faith. He has given me so many blessings in which I have been told that I will heal, and then we watch and wait faithfully, but my condition does not improve.

It has tested my children's faith. Even my dear Benjamin shocked me one day. We were talking about Cub Scouts and the value of keeping your word. When I asked him if he could think of an example of someone who didn't keep their word - at first he couldn't think of anyone, and then he said, "Well, yes. The Lord. He has promised you to get better but you haven't." Oh, hearing him say that just broke my heart. I hadn't even thought of how his little brain was trying to process the blessings he has heard promising me of health and yet seen my illness continue.

In searching the scriptures for answers, one day I came upon some beautiful verses in Romans. "O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out! For who hath known the mind of the Lord? or who hath been his counsellor?"

I realized that I have not been praying for the right thing and perhaps that is why I have sometimes felt alone in my prayers. I have been praying for what I want instead of praying to accept the Lord's will. I have attempted to bargain with the Lord and have presumed to counsel Him. I felt that I knew what was best for myself.

It can be hard to accept the Lord's will.  How easy it would be for Him to just simply heal me and remove this obstacle from my path. Aren't we promised to receive the righteous desires of our hearts? What could be a more righteous desire for a mother than to want a healthy body that I may better serve my family and the Lord? To have more children? Why can I not have what all those around me seem to have? Sometimes knowing how easily He could grant my desire makes it that much more difficult to accept it when it does not come.

Then I read "Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth...O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?"

It is not my role to question my the Lord has made my body susceptible to illness. He made me this way for a purpose and I need to accept and trust in Him. Maybe it is His will for me to be hardened. Maybe I will learn important lessons through this experience I wouldn't be able to receive any other way. If life were easy and our difficult trials removed, how would we learn and grow?

My thinking has finally changed. I am finally letting go of my pride and I realizing the the Lord truly knows what is best for me and my family. It may not be anything I ever envisioned for myself, but the Lord loves me and I need to trust in his infinite wisdom and pray for strength to endure and courage to accept what trials I need to experience. From this time forward, I have felt so much peace and strength, that some days it is almost overwhelming. When people ask me how I am I say "I'm doing great! My body may not work the way it used to anymore, but I'm doing good!" Because I am, because the Lord is helping me. "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

Now fast forward two months, of me changing the way I pray, and trying to do everything on my part to heal. Nothing was changing much physically, so I decided it was time to ask Dan to administer another blessing so I can receive more guidance.

In the blessing, I was told to stop trusting in the arm of man, and to turn to the Lord. To increase my scripture study and to turn away from evil influences. And I was promised, once again, that as I looked only to the Lord to be healed, I would become better.

Well, I was ready to put all of my faith in God and not in anyone else. I stopped everything. No more herbs, no more acupuncture, no more diet of special foods, no more anything. Just faith, prayer, scriptures, and trust in the Lord.

It has been a month and my health is improving!! It's actually getting a little better, day by day, and I can testify that the only way this could be possible is through the help of my Heavenly Father. Just this morning, I was finally able to walk to the 100 yards to drop Nathan off myself to his preschool class. It felt so amazing, I almost started to cry when I made it back to the van!

I don't know if I will ever be able to do the things I could before. But that's not my job to have to worry about. Maybe the Lord will bless me to a full recovery someday, maybe he won't. It's okay. Either way, He loves me and I will put my trust in Him.

I know the Lord lives and He loves each and every one of us with a love that is incomprehensible to understand. He is waiting, so patiently, for us to humble ourselves and turn to Him in all things.

For as Paul asks "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword?...For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

I'm on a Game Show!!

Okay, drum roll... Here are some clips of me on a new game show called Let's Ask America!!!

When they were interviewing me to be on the show, I conveniently made sure to never mention my illness, I mean how many times are you gonna have someone call you up and ask you to be on a game show where you don't have to leave the house?!  I couldn't move for the next couple of days -but it was sooo worth it! It's amazing what you can do when you are pumped up on adrenaline!!

Enjoy clips of my show!!

When I was asked this, I had no clue who anybody was except Al Roker, and I knew no one thinks he is sexy!!

This is the last, big question!!!

 

WHO HOO!!

 

So since I'm a nerdy accountant, of course I've already figured out I actually won a little less than $30,000 since the government takes a whopping 40% of all game show winnings. But, holy cow, I'll take it! It will make a nice dent on student loans. I know, I know, not very fun, but definitely practical!

 

 

Am I Enough?

From the time we are little we begin to identify who we are with what we can do.  We feel that if we do good, we are good. I see it in my children. As Nathan says "I'm fast,"or Benjamin brags "I'm good at math," we are each creating an identify for ourselves based on what we can do and the way it is received by others.

But is what we can do really who we are? Before my illness, I think I saw myself so very differently than I do now. I was Emily, the fun friend who was always ready to ditch work to go have a good time! I was Emily, the performer, who loved playing the piano and planning out fun skits or family acts. I was Emily, the bargain shopper, the CPA, the party planner. Most important of all, I was Emily, the wife and mother, who would do all that she could for her family.

Now, I find myself suddenly unable to do these things. I can no longer play the piano. I cannot shop or cook for my children. No more swim lessons for my boys. No more parties. No more play dates. So much of all that I used to be and do is gone.

Does this make me less of a person? Now, before you quickly answer "Of course not!" imagine what it would really be like to lose your ability to function. Strip yourself of all the good things you do and achieve during the week. Think of what it would feel like to not be able to physically take care of the ones you love. Would you still have your same confidence? Self-worth? So much of what we do as a mother is wrapped up in what we can do for those around us. Are we worthy of love, even if we have nothing to offer?

Perhaps a blessing that has come from this illness is to truly learn, not just understand, that being a daughter of our Heavenly Father means that I am worthy. I am special. I am important. As long as I do my best to follow the Savior and abide by his teachings, I am enough. My body may fail me, trials may come and go, but as long as He is the light in my life, I can be all that He wants me to be.

And that will always be more than enough.

Some Pics of My Boys

Benjamin (or mini-Dan) is 8 years old and may possibly talk more than me! He is sitting here next to me and is very concerned that I add that he plays the piano and loves math!

Here is Nathan - 4 years old - the family comedian! Check out the hair - all of my boys have crazy curly hair - his just seems to never get done!

Lincoln - 2 - can you believe Dan and I have a blondie?? He is the bruiser of the family. He arrived at nearly 10 pounds and looked like a football player. Now he acts like a football player!

Benjamin Bunny Hunter

Here is Benjamin's action movie we made in Des Moines, Iowa. Benjamin wants to say a little something: This is an action adventure movie with me, Benjamin Bunny Hunter, saving my mom from evil rabbits.

Side note - because of this movie, Benjamin grew up slightly terrified of stuffed rabbits!

Nathan's Used to Be Favorite Shirt

A friend of mine passed on some hand-me-down clothes to Nathan. He was so excited as he looked through the clothes and when he found a shirt with a trophy on it he declared "This is my favorite!" He put it on and a couple of hours later I said "Hey, do you want me to read to you what your shirt says?" It says "My Dad is My Hero." Without missing a beat, he got right up and left the room. Moments later he returned with a new shirt on. He hasn't worn it since!!

Something Only A Mother Could Do

Well, anyone want to hear part 2 of my story about church? I could see for the last little while that I was being treated like I was less active (boy, I have to say, if that's what it feels like, it sure is amazing that anyone who actually is less active comes back!) But when you feel so sick all the time, I get to the point where I really don't care about other people's perceptions. I just don't have the energy to expend on it. If they are so judgemental that they do not make the effort to really find out what's happening, that is their problem, not mine. (Wow, gee, I just sounded a little testy, didn't I?)

My parents came up last weekend to visit and with the plan to then bring me back to Idaho with my two littlest boys to try some new treatments there. So we all went to church on Sunday, and right after sacrament meeting a woman came up to my mom and started talking with her. In the conversation, she said to my mom "Oh, well we know that Emily is inactive. She just doesn't come to church very often."   Well, for those of you who know my mother, that came off like a lead balloon. She didn't tell me this, but it became her mission to "educate" the ward on my situation!

I went home to try and rest and she shortly attended Relief Society. When they welcomed her she asked the Relief Society President if she could address the woman. She then turned to them and said "I just would like to explain to the members here what is happening with my daughter. She is suffering from a serious auto-immune disease that she was diagnosed with this summer at the Mayo Clinic. I am 78 years old, have a pace maker, and can run circles around what my daughter is physically capable of right now. My daughter is not inactive. She is terribly, terribly sick and suffering from this terrible illness. Her dear husband has to shoulder all the responsibility of feeding, caring for and raising their 3 young children."

Well, poor Dan, when he walked out of his primary class at the end of church, he was suddenly swarmed by older ladies in my ward asking what they could do to help. Human nature is funny, isn't it? Now, while I have never asked for help, I have been in this ward for almost 9 months and have explained in depth my situation to the Bishop and the Relief Society President (when they were both trying to extend me callings), and others who have asked why I am sick so much. But I don't think they actually realized I was really sick until my mom stood up and had to hit them over the head with it. Now, does that embarass me, of course! Do I want help from any of them? No. I have long ago accepted that there is not much anyone can do that will help things. Will it help others to be a little less judgemental? The jury is out. I'll have to wait and see. Either way, none of this changes my relationship with my Savior or how I feel about the gospel. But no one enjoys having their testimony questioned!

Natezilla

Here is one of our family's "home videos".  We did this 3 years ago in Erie, PA. Instead of scrapbooking, Dan made a movie for each baby we had before they turned one. Here's "Natezilla"

"Is She Still Sick?"

There is so much power in the words we say. When I had my little baby Luke, it was very important to me that I always said I had a baby that passed away instead of I lost my baby. I knew that I had gained a precious son that day in the hospital. My family grew and enlarged as I could feel his sweet spirit. I didn't lose him. I knew right where he was and he was with me.

I think that often other people forget the power in the words they choose to say to others. Even when they are well intentioned. It has definitely affected Dan during this time. Since he is usually at church with our three boys without me, almost the only thing anyone ever says to him is "Is she still sick?" "Is Emily sick again?" "Oh dear, is she not feeling well today?" Every single Sunday, every single time, the only thing anyone talks to him is about how sorry they are for how hard his life must be.

On New Year's Eve Dan took the children to the Stake Party at the church. He left the house excited to play some games, eat good food, and have fun with his boys. When he came home later, he walked in the door completely deflated. "What's wrong?" I said. He looked at me with this tired expression on his face as he sat down on the couch, "Well, let me tell you how my evening went. The entire night, here I'm at a party and the only thing I hear is how sorry someome is for me. How terrible things must be. How hard my load must be." He said "Emily, I don't even know what to say to people anymore. I want to interrupt them and say - no, I'm happy. I came to have fun tonight! It's okay. But the more people talk to me the worse I feel."

I think it's the equivalent to a single 35 year old woman being asked every Sunday at church "Are you still single?" "What, you're not married yet?" "Don't you want to get married?" Trust me, everyone, she's more than aware she is single! But life moves on, and you have to find ways to still have joy in your life even if you have not yet received the deep desire of your heart.

I asked Dan if I could write about this and at first he said no because he didn't want to offend any of our friends. Trust me, this doesn't apply to any of you who are reading this. I cannot tell you how much of a help your prayers, condolences, and helpful thoughts have been to us. This happens mainly to Dan with people at church who ask him these same repetitive questions until he feels like he's going to scream! Any thoughts on a good reply? He needs to be able to be honest, but we wish there's a nice response he could say that could change this cycle without hurting someone's feelings. I really do believe people are asking with kind intentions. They just don't realize how it wears him down. Any good thoughts, anyone??

Lunch Date with Dan

One day Dan comes home for lunch. As we're eating he casually says,

"Hey, while I'm here with the kids, why don't you go take a nice relaxing bath?"

"Oh, thanks, but no, I'm fine. Let's just eat!"

"Are you sure? I wouldn't mind."

I smile as I nod no, thinking it's so nice he wants to give me some quiet time to myself.

20 minutes later as he hugs me goodbye, he whispers quietly in my ear,
"Honey, when's the last time you had a bath? You're really starting to stink."

What?!! Lucky for him, I was laughing so hard, I couldn't even wack his arm! And, I had to admit, it had been a while!! He had tried so hard to tell me without making me feel bad, but I was completely oblivious. I guess true love means being brave enough to tell your spouse when it's time to wash!

Sharing Your Water

I think we all have a well of strength and peace inside of us that comes from trying our best to follow Christ. Each day we either add to it or draw from it. On some days, we have extra strength to store up in our reservoir.  On others, we have to pull more from it.

When my illness began, I started out with this great big well filled to the top! Life was so good, we had finally made it to the goal we had worked so hard for - Dan was actually practicing medicine and we had moved home to the West! So as each day my health got worse and worse, it was still okay. I could just pull from my well each day and use what I needed. I had plenty. I knew this would pass soon and everything would get back to normal and we could start planning our next party! (Oh, how I do miss throwing a good party!!)

Well, after 400+ days of pulling out more than I can replace, and especially on days when my body is worse, it feels like when I try to draw from my well it has run dry. And then it hurts and I wonder how much longer I must endure. I am sure there must be so many others who feel this way. Perhaps its not physical, but maybe it is a spouse who isn't as kind as he could be, or a child who has a hurt that you as a mom can't fix. I know some who don't receive the love they deserve to receive and others who feel alone in a crowd. I know there are many invisible trials that people carry in their hearts that only the Lord knows.

I felt this way Tuesday morning. My symptoms had increased and my well was dry. But I had just started my blog and finally decided it was okay to invite my friends to read it. Now, my hope is that by sharing my experiences, maybe it can help someone else in some way. What I wasn't expecting was for my dear friends to help me! Thank you for sharing the water in your wells with me! Each wonderful message or phone call I received just gave me so much more strength!  There is so much power in telling someone "Stay in there, you're gonna make it!"

Each of us has an incredible power to lift those around us. The amazing thing is, as we share our strength from our own well, I really do believe we are blessed with an increase of our own. (Within reason, of course. We can't be everything for everyone! And some will try to take too much from our precious reserve.)

So thank you for sharing your strength with me. Yesterday, as Dan pushed me in the wheel chair as I tried to hold a crying Lincoln in my lap and a stranger stopped me and asked "What's wrong with you?" I had the strength to smile back and say "Oh, this is only temporary. I'm okay!" And I really am! Love everyone so much!  

Other People's Pressure

Okay, I've got to let out some steam. Church callings. Church callings when you are sick. When we moved in to our new ward I told the Bishop as clearly as I could how serious my illness is. I explained to him as best I could how I was told by the Mayo Clinic that my best chance at a recovery is to pull out of every possible commitment, activity, stresser, etc. (Which at the time, I remember thinking was a funny thing for the Dr to tell me because I had already been down for so long I had nothing else left to pull out from).

Well after explaining this to my new Bishop, his response was I want you to be the Primary Pianist. "Sure," I replied. "If I can get well enough, I would love to be able to play for the Primary." "No, I want you to do the calling now." "How am I supposed to play when I can't even be well enough to go to church?"  "You will receive blessings from having a calling." At which point I wanted to ask him if he had received a revelation telling him if I accepted this calling I would be healed (but I held my tongue) because that would be welcome news to me.  I would gladly accept to be the Relief Society Pres. and serve 10 hours a day if it meant my body would start to work again! I said, "I don't see how I can fulfill this calling." Bishop "Just do the things during the week you need to in order to be well enough to play on Sunday." Wow, seriously???  Golly, gee, why didn't I think of that already?? Oh, what a great idea? Let's just decided for my body to start working.  What does he expect for me to do "during the week" to get better that I haven't already tried for months at a time? Gee, maybe if I just do that I will get better by Sunday??

Okay, so he finally agreed that when I was too sick to be there his wife could substitute for me. So basically its been her calling. I think I've been well enough to attend church 2 of the last six weeks, but have only made it past Sacrament once. I did go and play and I was so worn out afterward, I just sat leaning up against the back wall till Primary was over, completely shot, feeling miserable. It's like they cannot understand and just act like I'm less active or don't want to serve. Is it because I am young? If I were 90 and looked like how I feel would they put this pressure on me or would they instead do the kind thing and send someone on Sunday's so I could partake of the Sacrament?

Now, I sustain my church leaders and I support them. I am not complaining about him in his role as a Bishop. I just sometimes feel like I do not know I am supposed to do. I just got a call from my friend in the ward who I hire to come everyday and take care of me and my children. She just spoke with the new primary president who is feeling put out that I am not "fullfilling my calling" and if I would just realize that I would be blessed for playing the piano, I really need to be there every Sunday. Wow, what a way to make me feel like crap. As if it is not hard enough right now to find a purpose, a way to feel like I can contribute when I am not well enough to even change my son's diaper. Sometimes I cry out to the Lord and say "Why have you blessed me with so many talents if I cannot use them?" "What am I supposed to be doing now?" And I have felt the sweet and tender mercies of the Lord in the warm feeling that I am his Daughter and that as I love and help those around me, I am serving him. As I teach my children the gospel, as I share my testimony, it is enough. What I don't need is other people who either don't understand or don't care to understand my situation to make me feel guilty.

Blessings

This Sunday I kept getting the most wonderful feelings all day everytime I looked at Lincoln and Nathan. What a blessing that this trial has come into my life during a time that my children are so young. Many times, people will say, oh it must be so hard having little ones at home. But today, as I looked at them, I realized the beauty in the Lord's plan for our family. They are so happy and content to be at home playing all the time! They don't care that their mom can't take them anywhere. They don't care that I'm wearing old stained sweatpants while I watch them play. They are innocent and happy and feel loved as I give them hugs from the couch. What a blessing!

How much harder would this be if they were in High School, or Junior High?! Not being able to participate in the many extracurricular activities because I am not well enough to take them. Not being so content to just stay home day after day with me. The Lord knows me and my family and he looks down upon us with his blessings. He cannot take everything away for us and some trials we must endure. But look how he blesses! Look how he plans things out in a way that we can endure our experiences. As I write this, I feel so much gratitude for my Heavenly Father who helps me during the difficult time. And I know that He helps all of us to carry our burdens if we will just look to Him for strength.

Someday

It is hard to express what it is like to live in a body that doesn't work. It used to work, it used to do amazing things. Then, suddenly, one day you wake up and its all been taken from you.

I love the mornings, especially the moments before I move, because I can believe that today will be the day I will recover. Today when I walk down the stairs my body will not ache and I will have enough strength to make breakfast. Today I will be able to be strong enough to take my two young boys to the library and let them experience story time like I used to do with my oldest son when he was little.  Today I will be able to walk my 4 year old into his preschool classroom. But by the time I reach the bottom of the stairs and say good morning to my sweet family, I can feel my body saying "No, not today." But someday. Someday a new day will come and I will be all those things again. 

In My Son's Eyes

Perhaps the best way to start is through Benjamin's story.  Benjamin is now 8 years old and in the 2nd grade.  His school had a Reflections contest through the PTA and he decided to write about his experience with his mom. I decided if he was brave enough to talk about it, so could I. Here is our story as told by him.

 

                                       My Mom and I

I want to tell you a story about my mother and I. We have always been very, very, great friends.  We play lots of games together. We make forts, go on hikes, or just jump on the trampoline together. In the fall, we jump in leaves. Winter, we just stay inside and play board games. In the spring, we go on walks. In the summer, we go swimming. You get it, mom and son playing and having good times.

Then something really horrible happened. My mom got sick. Really sick. At first, I thought the sickness would last for a week. Then I thought it would be for a month. Next I started to feel scared because it wasn’t going away.

Then there were changes in the house. Sometimes my dad had to miss work to take care of my mom. My brothers and I had to help my mom with lots of stuff, like getting her food and water. The sickness just kept on going. Suddenly, my mom couldn’t jump on the trampoline. No more grocery shopping together, no more fun.

 I felt miserable and wondered what in the world I could do when I am bored. Sometimes I didn’t know what to do but lay down on the ground and wait until my mother needed anything. Sometimes I felt like maybe my mom would have this sickness forever and never get better.

The doctor said that my mom should not walk and go in a wheelchair or not go to the grocery store. The first time we went to the store, my mom was very embarrassed. I really helped her by cheering her up. I said “Don’t be embarrassed. Riding in a wheelchair is fun! Nathan and I can push you!” That helped my mom feel better.

We also made a “What My Mom Can Do” list. My mom and I put stuff on the list like “talking on the phone, being a friend, hugging, teaching Benjamin math.” We taped the list on the refrigerator. So on some of the days I could go to the refrigerator, pull the list off, and show my mom one of the things we could do. It made me feel better that I could do something with my mom and not just get her stuff while she lay on the couch.

She’s been sick for over a year. I’ve been sad and then I think of my mom and how I can still have fun and even though she is sick, it is still okay. Sometimes my mom has better days. Things are different, but still great. I have also learned that even though my mom is sick, it’s not the worst thing ever. It’s not like it makes you so you can only sit around each day. We can still talk, laugh, play board games, and watch shows together and snuggle.

I’ve also found out that my mom being sick made it so we can have extra family time. I know a couple of people who don’t spend a lot of time with their children. Either going to the mall or just not being there as often. I like it that my mom is always near and I can always go and talk to her.

I’ve also learned that if I walked up to a person, and that person had a medical problem, or was in a wheelchair, or couldn’t breath as well as other people, it doesn’t matter what  that person looks like. What matters is what kind of person he is.

The true purpose of my story is that you have to learn from difficulties. I know that everybody has difficulties. We need to fight back with persistence. Persistence is sort of like the medicine for your trial. Don’t give up. Keep on going. You can get through your difficulty no matter how hard that trial is. Your persistence will win.

Sharing my story

I'm not a blogger. I don't read other people's blogs. But I'm a talker (as all of my teachers growing up would attest to!) Sometimes things happen in your life that feel too hard to share. Sometimes you realize that if you share, then perhaps it won't be so hard.

I've been asked to start a blog to share my story.  This will be addressed to my special friends who know me, love me, and understand who I am. I am Emily and at the age of 33 I became crippled with a debilitating illness.